It’s not about the issue!!!

Do you remember what the issue even was in your argument say, a month ago? Most often we forget the issue but remember the pain of the conflict.

Those of us who need to process verbally (the talkers) may remember feeling unheard, discounted, cut off, alone and in need of talking till we feel we have gotten through. Those of us who need to process internally (the get away and think about its) often feel overwhelmed, scared, demeaned and in dire need of getting away.

Most often a verbal processor will marry a get away think about it.  And, unless they come to an understanding on what each others needs are and how to meet those needs without discounting their own, there is much pain to be had.

I believe that most often, divorces are the result of the verbal processor/non-verbal processor dynamic. This dynamic can often be traced back to our family of origin, where we are one and a parent is the other. We tend to marry into that dynamic, not intentionally, but, I believe, because we need to do healing and growth in that area of our lives.

The 2nd session I do with premarital couples is called Communication Dynamics. Here we look at this talker/non-talker dynamic and come to understand our own needs as well as the needs of our spouse and how to go about fulling these needs so everyone feels respected and loved.

The cool thing is that this learning translates to our friendships, work relationships and relationships we have with our parents and children! Life is so much more enjoyable and centered because of  this learning!

Wouldn’t it be wonderful not to take what others say personally but to have the tools to inquire what deeper feelings  and needs lie beneath the issue being discussed?

I have a wedding and art show today so I have to get going but I will write further on this in the future.